On your quest for the occasional nugget of gold amidst all the nuggets of manure that are found in the guitar newsgroups, you will encounter a variety of people. Below is a set of caricatures of the various types of folks you will encounter. 

The Gladiator of the Guitar 

For many participants, usenet is a game -- a contest of sorts. For these folks, it's me against you -- my brains against your brains -- two gladiators facing each other down, monitor to monitor. 

For these folks, the purpose is not to discuss guitar, but rather to win. These folks generally seek each other out. You'll see them respond repeatedly to each other on one minor, and often irrelevant detail in a post. The posts always take the form of "My point is", "No, my point is", "No, No, my point is", "No, No, No, my point is", and soon lead to "Well, if you had studied with Segovia like I had instead of taking the free lessons that came with the 30 dollar guitar that your mommy bought at K-Mart, then you would understand that . . . ."

 Helpful hint: In general, when there are more than 2 responses back and forth between the same 2 posters on the same subject, you can safely ignore all their later posts. 

The Inquisitor 

A good question is always better than an average answer. A good question is one of the most valuable contributions to usenet, because one good question can spark a most intriguing discussion. We should all thank our neighborhood inquisitor. 

The Pope 

Pontificating, as I am doing right now, is a common hobby. The popes love to look down from their high perch (real or imagined) and dispense wisdom to the unwashed. Sometimes, what they say has value. Usually their speeches are just self aggrandizing nonsense. 

The Insightful Lurker 

Some folks lurk in the shadows, just reading and reading. And then out of the blue they toss in a brilliant comment. I'm always amazed at the insights of inexperienced players who feel too intimidated to regularly participate, but who every once in a while get up the guts and toss in their two cents. Sometimes these folks have a unique and fascinating perspective. 

The Beer Guzzling Insult Hurler 

"Kazuhito Yamashita is a terrible guitarist, and less of a musician," read one fellow's contribution to the nonsense one day. Why people get their kicks from hurling insults at well known players is beyond me. My guess is that these folks think that they display their exquisite taste in guitar by making harshly negative statements about great guitarists. 

Of course, the great players they insult could play circles around their tormentors with half their fingers taped together. These people are as amusing to me as the fat beer guzzler who sits on his couch and yells insults at professional athletes on his TV. 

The Incognito 

There are, I'm guessing, several well known players who contribute under pseudonyms, or who lurk to see if people are discussing them. They have to remain anonymous because the beer guzzling insult hurlers would get such pleasure from throwing mud at them. By the way, a fun parlor game is to figure out who among this array of weird nicknames is really George Benson. 

The Troll

The troll casts out his lure.   It it is usually a deliberately provocative statement  (e.g. "Jimmy Hendrix sucked.") or question (e.g. "Why are rock musicians not as good as jazz musicians?")  The troll has one goal -- to start a fight.  Unfortunately, with a never ending stream of newcomers who do not know about the troll, his provocations often result in just the verbal bloodbath the troll seeks.

Please don't feed the troll.

The Self Mocking Snobs 

We have some snobbery here in our cozy little corner of the net, but fortunately, not too much. Generally just a pin prick or two is all it takes to deflate a snob's swollen head, and there are many here who gladly volunteer to do the pricking.

Few strong players look down their nose at less experienced players. It's the almost strong players who do so. Their proclamations, Al Bundyesque in their blustery style -- "I played highschool football!" -- proudly proclaim their true nature. These snobs mock themselves, and, most amusing of all, they don't even know it. 

The Self Promoters 

Buy my CD! Buy my books! Buy my instructional video! Buy, buy, buy! We all play the self-promotion game in one way or another, but some are more obvious about it than others. I'm always suspicious when I see somebody recommending that we all run right out and buy the CD of the latest unknown-but-soon-to-be-John-Williams guitarist.  Too often, the person doing the recommending is, in reality, the person being recommended.

The run of the mill self promoters are often good posters, though, because in order for anyone to get to the ad at the bottom of the message, they have to keep the reader interested at the top. 

The Nasty 

Oh, the nasty. The nasty are here because of some sort of undoubtedly disturbed motivation. These are the ones who go out of their way to be mean. These folks specialize in the cheap shot -- the one sentence insult -- the arrogant, deliberately infuriating comment -- the email putdown. This group is responsible for the worst of what you will find on usenet. These folks are gladiators without honor. 

For some reason, the nasty are also among the most read. Perhaps this explains why the nasty continue to be the nasty. Nasty sells. OK, I admit it; I read the nasty too. But I also find the Jerry Springer show occasionally amusing. Reading the nasty reminds me of getting a whiff of somebody's big old fart. You really don't want to smell it, but for some reason you just can't stop yourself. 

The Helpful 

Fortunately, most of the participants in the guitar newsgroups at least attempt to be helpful. You can ask questions and get responses from fine players and teachers who genuinely want to help. And most of the time their responses are even helpful. The helpful are often also gladiators, but as long as you pick the good stuff from their posts, and leave the blood and gore for others to enjoy, you'll be just fine. The helpful are a favorite target for the nasty, which is another reason why the nasty are so damaging. They chase off the best posters we have. 

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